you think you know what you're doing with your second

Lennon has always been small--petite, but she had chub rolls too.  When she was a newborn, she was chubby.  So I didn't worry about her.  My milk seemed to fit her needs.  Then a couple of months ago, my milk dried up out of the blue.  I tried everything to get it back--blessed thistle, bread and butter, root beer, Gatorade, oatmeal, mother's milk tea, etc.  and it finally came back after a day or two.  This happened every month for the next 3 months.  I would do the same routine again and again-- bread and butter with root beer topped off with a swig of Gatorade to swallow the blessed thistle to get my milk back.  I had to stop working out so hard because I noticed my supply dipped lower each time.  She also started eating solid foods and it was even harder to keep my milk.  I was getting kinda tired of the taste of butter mixed with root beer.  And I began to worry, was my milk still nutritious?  Was it enough?  Was this healthy for her?

On Tuesday we went to her 9 month check up.  She is in the 18th percentile in weight.  Yikes.  So my milk wasn't enough for her.  The doctor encouraged me to supplement with formula.  So I went home and gave her some.  She downed 6 oz right away.  Then at each feeding she downed 6 oz each time.  That night she slept through the night.  The next day her naps were longer.  And she felt heavier.

Lennon was hungry.

With Myer I nursed him until he was 1.  I was determined, for some reason, to get that far with Lennon.  I should have seen that my milk was not enough for her.  I mean it dried up 4 times.  I was just too stubborn and thinking of my own motherly/selfish desires to give it up.  I feel terrible.  I thought I had it all figured out because I'm a mom.  Myer was supposed to be my test drive and Lennon was supposed to be my home run.  She is now thriving on formula.  My milk is definitely all gone now and you know what?  My worrying is gone.  I now know she is getting enough fat, iron, nutrients, etc and etc of what my erratic supply was not giving her.

So just when I thought all along with Myer, "I'll know with my second." really shows that I don't.  I'm always learning. Always.